I received an email the other day from a writer friend.
Lord,
Today I pray peace on Christina,
Hope,
Protection for the hearts of her children,
I pray great joy, and laughter on her,
I pray a settling, a resolve, a healing in the deep places of her soul,
Hold her close Jesus, love on her, draw her into the depths of your grace.
He has a way with words, doesn’t he? God has been doing just those things in my life. After the judge signed the decree, I felt … lighter. After I opened a new solo bank account, I felt … even freer. It’s ironic, as I was so happy when married.
How could I have loved someone so fully, so completely, and yet be so happy without him? Many of you commented on the change in tone of my posts around the lies are Poison in My Bones post. In my heart, that’s when I feel we truly separated. I had chosen to accept every part of Kevin, even the parts I would rather have been different, and that freed me up to love him totally. Once I knew I should not be choosing to love him any longer, at least as a wife loves a husband, the bond severed completely. To me, it illustrated the truth that love IS a choice.
Yet I’ve been surprised how much I crave the companionship of a soul mate. The desire to share my day in an embrace late at night is still with me, but there’s no one to share with. I still think of making a special meal as an offering, but there’s no one to make that favorite dish for.
So much of my spiritual health was easily measured in my submission and service to my husband. So I still have the desire to submit, the desire to serve, but no person to submit to or serve. I know God is enough for me, and I try to bend those desires to Him and Him alone.
But what did God say about Adam? It’s not good for man to be alone. He created us for relationship. He created marriage to show us more about Him. I miss that part of life.
Oddly enough, even with this desire for companionship burning in my heart, I am full of joy. There are times when a circumstance or conversation threatens that joy. Like getting turned down for health insurance after 2 1/2 hours spent filling out the online form. Or discovering the state will take about a month to process my substitute teaching license. Or hearing that another house in our price range took 426 days to sell. Then I have to fight to keep it. I remind myself that God is bigger than all of it. He can do all things, and I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.
What threatens your joy? How do you defend your God-given right/command to experience joy in even the worst moments of life?
Hmmm, when the kids are fighting or are really loud, that’s very hard for me to handle. I have to really try to smile when I feel stressed.
Hi Christina –
I do exactly what you did, Christina: get into that secret place with the Lord.
I once saw a painting of a bird sheltered in the cleft of a rock. All around him a storm raged, but he was at perfect peace. I think that picture beautifully illustrates trust in His care.
Blessings,
Susan
Jessica, you know what minivan makers could do to guarantee a best selling vehicle? Install those windows like limos have! The kids get too loud–one push of a button later, you’re enjoying the radio in peace. 🙂
Susan, sometimes I feel the storm is long gone and I step out only to be hit with a gust. Or maybe I’m in the calm “eye” of the storm … Either way, He has His hand on me.