One Year Ago Today …

I lost my marriage, my best friend, my house, my ability to be a stay-at-home mom, my stability, my future … my life.

One hour-long conversation with my now ex-husband and everything in my life was unexpectedly and horrifically different.

This is not a post of wallowing, but of remembrance. A look back to see how far I’ve come, where the Lord provided for me. Or where I still need a lot of prayer and encouragement.

Marriage–the dissolution went as well as it could, really. I’m thankful there wasn’t anger and bitterness and fighting on each side. We’ve done the best we could to work together for the kids.

Best friend–the void left by his departure opened my world up to new people. In the past year, a handful of new friends have become very close. They care about me, pray for me, worry about me, and encourage me. If Kevin hadn’t left, I wouldn’t have developed these new friendships in the same way.

House–still in the same house, and not in debt yet, which is a truly a miracle. I love watching the kids take off into the forest, love knowing we’re safe in a way because of our seclusion, love the beauty of this place, love the ease of entertaining here. But it’s also been the biggest weight to carry. Instead of working to get ahead, or feeling satisfaction in moving forward, I work as many hours as I can to barely make it. (Like so many people in the current economy.) It feels like my efforts disappear into the past instead of build a future.

SAHM–I miss enjoying my kids. Don’t get me wrong; I still carve time to really play with them or listen to them. Unfortunately, a lot of the time I spend with them is split between cooking or homework or housework or writing work. It’s much more difficult to give them undivided attention when I’m playing the role of both parents in their day-to-day life. This is NOT a I-don’t-like-to-work whine, because I find subbing/writing/editing to be extremely satisfying. It IS a man-I-had-it-good declaration.

Stability–still gone. Everything remains in flux. Which means that flux itself is the only thing not in flux. 😉

Future–God knows what it holds, but I don’t. Will I keep subbing as long as this license will let me, or go back for my Master’s and be a “real” teacher? Will I go into a completely different field? Will my next book sell and build on the readership I’ve already gained this last year?

Life–“Angel’s” adoption is moving right ahead, so I do know that my future holds another child! I have a wonderful boyfriend who prays for me, supports me, and refreshes me … yet he and I openly acknowledge that God might very well call us to part ways at some point.

1 Samuel 7:12 (NIV)says, “Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Shen. He named it Ebenezer, saying, ‘Thus far has the LORD helped us.'”

Please pray for my family this next day. A year ago we experienced the worst stress of our lives, but we want to focus on all that we have, not all we lost. The lyrics to this song are perfect for capturing my feelings today. Enjoy!

(If you’re reading this on facebook and the video was stripped, here’s the link.)