Poison to My Bones

When one wages a war, there are times when retreat is needed. Gladly, the kind of retreat I’m referring to was a church women’s retreat last weekend. But, since I am warring with the enemy who’s seeking to destroy my family right now, it was needed. A few people were surprised I went, and I can see their point. Who wants to spend hard-earned money to be around a weepy drama queen for a whole weekend? Not me!

Thankfully, the peace that passes all human understanding has been with me since February 9 so I’m NOT a weepy drama queen. 🙂

God is mighty orchestrator. I had recently discovered new information, info that felt like getting kicked in the stomach when I was already down for the count. I will say this about lies. Lies are poison to my bones. The physical pain in my very marrow makes me wonder if I can survive ever being lied to again.

I had found an equilibrium to life, but the new revelation felt like a separate and distinct loss. I had hoped for and envisioned going through the divorce in a certain way. Then the info made its way to me by a miraculous, meandering path. Now I had not only lost my husband, but had lost him as my best friend. And yet … when I was hurting all over again, I was surrounded by godly women, my true sisters in Christ, who prayed me up and sent me back to face the life I now must find joy in.

One of the great things to come from this was an emotional separation I was unwilling to choose at the beginning. I feel so much healthier, so much freer. Some issues I had been avoiding now have my attention. Kevin and I sacrificed so much to keep me as a stay-at-home mom for the last decade. Weary at the very thought of finding a “real” job, I had put off writing my resume. One week later, I’m praying for the position for which I’ve applied. (Can’t end on a preposition when I’m talking employment, can I?)

I’m full of hope and appreciating each accomplishment of painting, making a writing deadline, or getting caught up on bills. I know God has good plans for my life!

Want to know the topic of the retreat? Bonnie Leon spoke on Living Without Masks, and it was fantastic. Though I’m pretty much as transparent as Saran Wrap, there will be times in the future where I might be tempted to wear the I-can-handle-it-all mask as a divorcee. If you’re looking for a speaker, I highly recommend Bonnie. She helped us strip away the social trappings.

The last week I’ve been doing a LOT of pre-marketing for The Familiar Stranger and in doing so, my mission/passion/ministry/tagline fell into my lap: Living Transparently; Forgiving Extravagantly! It captures the theme of my book and the theme of my life. It’s a challenge we all should accept.