Not Giving Up

I need to clarify my last post. With so many emotions swirling and so little time to blog, I’m sure you realize that I can’t explain or record even a fraction of what I’m learning or feeling.

I’ve had a few personal response who made it clear they feel like I’m giving up on my marriage. Thank you for expressing your concerns in such a caring way, ladies. Rereading what I wrote before, I can see how that could be a natural conclusion. I’ve also had a response of someone working through a difficulty in her marriage who wondered how I knew I was in God’s plan to divorce and how she might know if it were okay for her.

Never do I want what I’m learning through this to encourage someone to leave their marriage. If there’s any questioning that needs to take place in one’s marriage, my prayer is that it draws the couple closer and serves as a warning of where things might lead if unchecked.

Again, my children might read this at some point, so I have difficulty expressing certain things. This is what we do NOT want the children to ever hear, “Dad is leaving,” or “Mom is making Daddy leave.” Either of those statements, we feel, will damage the relationship.

But I will say this: I do not want to divorce. There is no part of me that thinks, “Phew, I’m saved from living with fill in the blank for the rest of my life.” I enjoy every minute of time I spend with Kevin.

The initial paperwork arrived yesterday and I waited in until the kids were in bed to open it. It was addressed to “Ms. Christina Berry.” The miz broke me and I bawled in the bathroom for awhile. I even told Kevin, “I don’t want to be divorced! I want to be married to you for the rest of my life!”

But that’s simplistic. The sin issues remain and must be dealt with. And really it comes down to … both people have to want to be in a marriage for it to work.

Throughout this whole ordeal, I’ve thought of the verse about a wife’s behavior having the ability to bring an unbelieving husband to saving knowledge of the Lord. Well, Kevin is a believer, but I want to do everything within my ability to point to Christ with my behavior. I’m attempting to lay a solid groundwork of friendship, caring, and communication for if the Lord should put us back together again.

Yes, the Lord hates divorce. Some of you may disagree, but I don’t believe it’s the piece of paper or the act of filing that He hates. I believe He hates the sin and the shame and the betrayal and the hurt and the rending and the fallout. My legal status has nothing to do with the status of my heart, which at this point the Lord is keeping tender toward Kevin.

Someone told me that divorce is just changing one set of problems for another. Though I’m sure the reality will be harder than I can imagine, I’m not going into this with rosy glasses on. I don’t want to be alone, to go back to work, to lose my house, to be away from my children on special days because it’s “Dad’s” turn to have them. I’m not choosing this.

I’m not giving up; I’m giving over. It’s all in God’s hands. My human nature is to refuse to fail, refuse to let go. But He’s given me peace about releasing Kevin into His hands. I trust Him to fashion a thing of beauty out of this garbage.